I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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