Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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