bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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