What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
