I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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