His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
