FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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