He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
