i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
