i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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