No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
