Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
