Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
