Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
