We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
