Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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