I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
