just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
