So drunk its hurt
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
