after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
