I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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