I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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