so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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