genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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