i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
