separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
