dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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