My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
