I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
the raccoons are back...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize