I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
