WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize