You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
