Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
