My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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