Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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