Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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