Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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