sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
bring money and cleavage
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
