you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
