I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
