i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
