i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
