Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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