the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
