there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
