i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize