Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
