Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
