i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
