I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
