the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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