i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
