Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
