I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
