A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
