tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
