my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
