Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Barsexuality is the new black.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
