I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I want her autograph on my taint
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
