i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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